Today, I remember you again.
You know, for a very long time after your departure, I blamed myself for your death. I would spend time after time, re-examining everything you told me a few days before your death.
I won’t even lie, your death messed with my head. Maybe, I should have done better. Maybe, I should have done more than listen to you. I should have suggested practical solutions (the truth is, I didn’t know much). I thought listening was enough.
I know this doesn’t matter anymore, but for you, I do more than listen to people now. Even when, I don’t have a solution, I check on them.
I’m sorry I chickened out from leading your candle night, I’m certain you wanted me at the front, you wanted me to be strong for everyone there but I couldn’t. I was a mess myself.
Now I know better, instead of running miles away just to avoid that duty, I should have gone drenched in my tears. I didn’t have to be strong, it was okay to be weak.
Bunmi, I had sleepless nights for about a month after your death. To be fair, you weren’t coming for my head in any of the dreams, you just kept showing me you were still around me. I didn’t have an interpretation then but now, I do.
For every human I listen to, reach out to, and help, I have saved a Bunmi.
Let me remind you that I didn’t believe that your health status caused your death. I remember how much you believed you were healed and how much you lived that reality. Everyone thought you were happy – you were always smiling and bubbly.
I would have believed the same if you didn’t bare it all out to me few days before that headache. When I look back now, that headache represented the many years of pain and agony you carried on for over 20 years of your life.
Bunmi, I still have questions that I may not get answers to. Your death left me with lessons. I hope you are in a better place now.
If you ever get to read this, I just want you to know that the Dazzle you adore is doing better now.
I’m no longer that clueless 300 level student that stood at the backyard and watched you reel out painful life experiences.
P.S – I want to say I love you but love is action, right?